So, for any of you reading this that have borderline personality disorders may understand the title from the get-go. I will explain anyway:
Either from my bpd or a combination of that and my (self diagnosed) Low Latent Inhibition: (http://www.lowlatentinhibition.org/what-is-lli/) I find different things really cool and interesting.
This is demonstrated in my ability to go through multiple hobbies every month. To give you an example, I was watching some magic by someone on television around a month ago and I went to the local corner shop and bought some cards so I could learn some tricks. I used to know some when I was young and wanted to get into it again, the magic of the magic was so appealing to me again. In fact, I didn’t buy one pack, I bought four just to make sure I had enough.
I used them for around two days and then I haven’t touched them, their home remains on the side of my shelf waiting for my next magic-infused hobby to being again.
Currently, my “hobbies” are reading, writing, learning Chinese, working (might as well be) and spending time with family. This will of course change – most likely the language choice or the will to do it which I suspect has already passed.
As I sit here and type this on my day off, I wish I had read more of my books today. I wish I had learnt more Chinese than just hello, boy, girl, man, woman and thank-you. I wish I had written the end to my first (amateur/bad) book so I could begin a new adventure. I wish I had tried to do some exercise which I do every day in an attempt to lose my ‘dad belly’. I don’t do exercise every day, I just do the internal motivating but it never goes well. Cadbury almost always wins.
The whole weight thing I think I am getting more comfortable with because of my identity issue – If I become an author I can have a bad body because I have a good brain right? How many fantasy/sci-fi authors have a six pack?
When I worked with Microsoft through the Upload Featured Creator program, I tried my best for around two years to push myself to turn my skills into a YouTube career (possible but very hard) and my YouTube channel never took off of course (youtube.com/imahvelgaming) but then I tried to live stream games as a job. While I was attempting to change my jobs, I was working a more normal job of course but I always longed for something distinguishable that would give me a purpose and a sense of identity.
I think having a hobby that you become an expert in is a way of identifying yourself. Benedict the expert on Spider-man (that would be ace!) or Sarah the YouTube star. It’s probably not helping anyone with the same issues that the whole world decides that if you’re not ‘someone’ you’re ‘no-one’ when in reality we are all one. The human race one.
Anyway, I now use this blog as a way to type up my thoughts and opinions which I find quite fun probably because I’m not doing this to try and make a career out of it, which I always do with hobbies but because I just want to type and feel like my thoughts aren’t lost.
I just wish I could ‘make it’ in one section of my life so that I knew who I was and what I was here to do. I think the bpd obsessions can be channelled into something positive but the low latent inhibition of finding all stimuli interesting prompts the question: Can I ever just have one hobby?
If you’re having any similar problems, hang in there and just enjoy your passion.